Parents, stop talking!

Yup, that's right, I said it. Parents need to stop talking so much! Now, hold up. Before you start writing a strongly worded comment on this blog post, hear me out. 

Have you ever had your teen come to you with their problem and confide in you? I'm sure you have, because I'm sure you're an awesome and loving parent! And i'm sure there's also been a time when, in a moment of wanting to solve the problems of the world for you child, you mayyy have verbally spewed all over them. This can sometimes come out in the form of giving advice, finding solutions for them, over exaggerated sympathy, problem solving, or even an overly emotional reaction to their situation. All of these responses, while well intentioned on your part, can actually push your child away. 

Ever heard the response "nevermind you don't get it" or "I knew I shouldn't have said anything"?  This is your child trying to tell you that they feel you're not really listening to them. Unless your child specifically said "I want you to tell me what to do and fix this problem for me", they probably just need you to listen. They need you to be a safe person to act as a sounding board for them, so that they can begin to solve their own problems. 

If you have a teen or a young adult, know that they're trying to figure things out for themselves as they prepare to launch into adulthood, but they do still need you and the support you can provide. Here are a few suggestions to try out the next time your child comes to you with their problem:

1. Use the power of silence
A lot of people get uncomfortable with silence and want to fill the space, but resist the urge! If your kid is used to you verbally spewing at them, this may really throw them off. Allowing for silence gives your child the opportunity to process on their own what they have just said. It allows for self reflection, and in turn, they will often start to talk more as they are processing through the situation. Nodding your head, and giving other non-verbals are a great way to show your child that you are actively listening and engaged, without interrupting their process. 

2. Keep your emotions in check
This can be a hard one, but it is important. My guess is, that if your child is coming to you about a problem, it's serious enough that they're already experiencing strong emotions around the event. Help model to them how to respond to difficult situations by keeping your own emotions in check and remaining calm. 

3. Ask questions
Plain and simple. Instead of finding solutions or giving advice, give your child the opportunity to find their own answers. This can be done through asking open ended questions such as "wow, what are you going to do now?" and "so what do you think the next step is?". You can even ask them if they would like your advice, or if they need your help with finding solutions. By asking them questions, and letting them find their own solutions, you will be empowering them to take charge of the challenges that life throws at them, while still offering your support. 

4. Remind them of past successes
Does the situation they are bringing up sound similar to something that's happened in the past? Did they overcome it in the past? Reminding them of their past successes in overcoming challenges is a wonderful way to encourage them and empower them to overcome the new challenge. You can also ask them what they did in the past to be successful, and have them reflect on whether they think those same attributes would work in their current situation. 

If you found these tips helpful and would like more information on our parent coaching program, contact Kaela @ 208.610.3561 or [email protected]. We offer parent coaching both locally, and via the internet throughout the US. 

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